The Hot Mess Prayer

My life is a hot mess right now.

Professionally, emotionally, and even physically.

Professionally I’m waiting.  I’m waiting to hear back from a number of people who know nothing about me other than what I can write in a concise email.  Hoping my brief paragraphs catch their interest enough to request a read of my book.  So far, I’ve only caught the interest of one, while others ignore, or politely tell me I’m not for them.  Now I must wait to find out if the one who’s interested, will turn that interest to love.  

Emotionally, I’ve surrounded myself in a sea of church related activities and I’m terrified I’ll drown.  Not from the workload of co-leading classes and volunteering, but in the world of people who don’t think yelling fuck is an appropriate response to an email crashing.  I’ve gone from working in one of the most liberal businesses in the world in TV news, to now the most conservative.  From one extreme to the other.  We can lose ourselves in the extremes.  I got lost for a while behind a microphone.  I don’t want to do the same behind the proverbial pulpit.

Physically, I’m trying to make a baby.  This may sound like a good time - my husband certainly thinks so - but I made the mistake of going online and searching “how to get pregnant”.  NOT a good idea.  I’ve never been one to stress about having children.  It’s never been a worry.  But after less than thirty minutes on the internet, I’m wondering if we would make good foster parents because clearly getting pregnant is much harder than your high school health teacher let you believe.

Here’s where I want to share something uplifting that makes it all better, like how these problems are so tiny in comparison to others I’ve faced, or how I could count all my blessings instead of my concerns.

Tried it already.  Hasn’t worked.  

So instead, I’ll share something a little more personal.  It’s a prayer I wrote a few days ago.  It reminds of who I am. It gives me a little peace.  It reinvigorates that sense of purpose.

“Lord, I submit myself to your plan, your timing, and your rule over my life.  I’m here because of you.  I’m participating in this work because of you. Let me not fall into the trap of self-gratification, but to remember it was You who first saved me - and then set me free.”