If you look at my life from the outside, it seems like I have a lot going for me. And the truth is, I really do. I’ve told you about my new house with shiny new appliances, a great boyfriend and job. So how can I have so much good, yet still feel lost?
Lately, I’ve been asking myself that question and kept coming up with nothing. I examined my life over and over and find no major issues and think to myself what the heck is wrong with you woman?! Why can’t I find my joy?
Then it hit me like a roundhouse kick to the gut from Chuck Norris. I have pulled myself so far away from Lord that I have forgotten who I am in him.
It is no secret that I didn’t grow up in the best household. My father was not the kindest man to me. He would tell me how much he hated me and that I was the biggest mistake he ever made. Not the best thing to hear when you’re a small child, much less a teenager. He would call me stupid because I couldn’t read or write, never mind that it was his fault that I couldn’t. He once said that if he, my own father, didn’t want me then no one would. I would never be good enough to love.
Even though deep down I know the truth, his words still made me see myself from a perspective that to this day, I am trying to overcome. I have allowed those words to creep in and hurt me yet again. I am not good enough, nice enough, strong enough, loyal enough, loving enough or even worse I am not LOVED enough to have the God of the universe forgive me or except me.
This is the truth my father gave me. But it’s not the honest truth. It’s not the truth the father to the fatherless speaks to me. It’s so hard not to let the relationship with my earthly father, impact my relationship with God.
Why would God allow this? Good questions, deserve good answers. The truth is, bad things are going to happen because of the choices we make and sometimes, like my father, our choices affect others too. What I can say for certain is that God never left my side. Through it all, He gave me the grit to keep going and the comfort I needed when it all got too hard.
Every day I have to remember who the rock in my life really is. The Lord got me into the Big Oak Girls Ranch...which turned my lack of education into a college degree from the best University out there! ;) I know life isn’t fair, but God is holy and just.
He puts people in my life that prove my father’s words wrong every day.
It’s good to remind myself of that, to remember who’s opinion really matters. And to know when the memories creep in, the creator of the universe thinks I’m good enough, strong enough, loyal enough, and loving enough. He loves me all the way around the world and back again.
"Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you."