That First Trimester

It’s been hard to write.  

Hell, it’s been hard to do much of anything but sleep and stuff my face with carbs.  I’m a puffy, bloated walking ball of nausea, exhaustion, and the lingering effects of migraine headaches.  

I’m not excited.  I’m not picking out nursery colors.  And I’m sure as shit not glowing.

Frankly, I feel like something is seriously wrong with me.  I can’t focus.  My emotions are all over the place.  I cried during an episode of Deadliest Catch last night.  A crab fishing show made me cry!

So this is pregnancy.

I’m sure it’s all worth it.  I’m sure if I hear a heartbeat at the doctor today I’ll forget all about the agony of the last four weeks.  I’m sure the changes to my body won’t last forever. That I won’t always feel like one of those women in the Dove commercials boasting on how much they love their curves, when all I really want to do is go on a Slim Fast diet.

But none of it makes me feel any better right now.

I don’t want to be negative, so I didn’t post last week.  This week, I tried to write a different, more uplifting piece with nothing to do with pregnancy, but it felt weak and hollow.  And a bit untrue.  

I’m simply not in a positive state of mind.  

I’m trying to be okay with that.  

I have to believe there’s times in our lives when we just don’t feel like ourselves, when it all feels off and bad.  When knowing the light is surely at the end of the tunnel does absolutely nothing to comfort us in our current darkness.  When all we want to do is lay on the couch and pretend the outside world doesn’t matter, but doing so only makes us feel worse.

I have to be okay knowing these last few weeks don’t define who I am.

I think that’s the hardest thing for the type-A, survivor kind of people to do.  We’re hard on ourselves, demanding we prove our value and worth in our productivity and accomplishment.  Nausea is no excuse.  

But even so, I can’t wallow in my chubby self-pity and sickness for the next six months.

So at the doctor, I’m going to talk all about nausea and getting my energy back.  I’m going to hire a personal trainer to help create a workout routine I can feel good about.  

And I’m going to cut myself some slack.  I am growing a human being after all…

 

We didn't hear a heartbeat, but seeing this certainly brightened my day!  I even shed a tear or two.  It's getting a bit more real now...

We didn't hear a heartbeat, but seeing this certainly brightened my day!  I even shed a tear or two.  It's getting a bit more real now...